I've had this uneasy feeling the past few days. Restless, tired, and stress eating. The thing is, I'm not stressed. I have this crazy wild realization this weekend. Are you ready for it? Here it is: I have nothing to worry about. Or rather, there is nothing I could logically worry about at this time. By all measures, life is pretty good right now. With that realization naturally comes that sense of foreboding joy that I learned about from Brene Brown, like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop or that I'm in the calm before the storm. However I don't think that is what is plaguing me right now.
I was sort've here two and a half years ago. I felt like I was in a steady state in life and again, by all measures had a good life. Only at that time, things felt off. Mike was goading me, saying I had so much more to offer the world and that it was being unappreciated where I worked. The voices in the back of my head telling me that I was not being fulfilled by my work were not so easily quieted. I felt guilty that my heart was no longer in it - my love for working in healthcare runs deep. This work in particular had gone sour for a myriad of reasons which were not anyone's fault in particular, but that didn't stop me from blaming myself. I was stuck. I felt like I couldn't make anything happen which is not what you want to be feeling when you are a public servant wanting nothing more but to make a difference. The other part of the problem was that this job was part of my identity. I am a caregiver in my core. I felt a little morally superior for having a job that was meant to help people. Only I was spinning my wheels and therefore felt like a fake.
I didn't know what to do. I thought about starting a YouTube channel as a means to direct my creativity and love for food. Andre even bought me a YouTube for Dummies book for Christmas. I was not convinced a YouTube channel was going to change the world in the way I imagined. I wanted to put my energy towards something that would have meaning. I was dragging my heels on starting my channel feeling overwhelmed by the prospect when I was suddenly laid off along with 90+ others. Divine intervention I suppose. Does anyone really believe it that before something crappy happens to them and they're looking for a way to explain it?
Being laid off when I already felt like a fake was a challenging experience to say the least, but in the end, I know I got off lucky. I spent the following months licking my wounds, practicing as much yoga as my body could tolerate, and binging on Netflix. After several months of this, I finally bought a camera and started looking at other equipment one would need to have a YouTube channel. Procrastinating by shopping for the right tools is a specialty of mine that I've honed over the years. I can tell you all about the best pens, planners, notebooks, apps, etc. to be a perfect student. This was no different. I got a tripod and tinkered around with the camera set-up for a few weeks before buying a couple other "must need" items. I investigated numerous video editing courses and took the first couple classes. I think you can tell where this is going. It's two years later and I do not have a YouTube channel. There's a good reason though if you let me explain (though not really) - I realized I should probably start job hunting. I figured it would take me several months to find a job. It did not.
I miraculously found a contract role at a hospital in less than a month which proceeded to take over my life. A few months in, I found myself working in a hospital during a global pandemic which is when work really took over my life and became all consuming. Earlier this year, the contract finally ended and I found myself on the job market again. After working insane hours, I didn't know how to slow down. My first week off, I worked my through a long to-do list of items I had been deferring and felt even more exhausted. So the universe intervened. Again. I threw my back out the following week heroically attempting to lift a small five-pound ottoman. The week after my back was feeling better, I got a mild concussion. The doctor told me the best treatment was for me to do nothing over the next few days to rest my brain and give it a chance to recover. I nodded and said I understood then proceeded to ask what I could still do while doing nothing listing off a few options that would allow me to feel like my time wasn't being wasted during the healing process. As I was getting ready to leave, she stopped me and looked me dead in the eyes and said, "There are people who have lasting symptoms. The ones who make the best recovery, do as little as possible, having as little brain stimulation as possible for 48-72 hours. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to do nothing." I took heed of her advice as challenging as it was and thankfully made a full recovery after a couple months.
I still had difficulty sitting still so I started job hunting again which consumed my energy and created all kinds of stress and self-doubt. This story has a good ending though, because here I sit with a good job that allows me to work reasonable hours. I've been in my new role for over two months now and feeling like I'm starting to get a bit of a handle on things. The work is interesting, but it's not rocking my world. This notion that I have more to offer the world is niggling at me. So here I am, back in a steady state so much so that I found myself this past Sunday uttering the words, "I don't have any excuses anymore". So not only do I have nothing to worry about, I'm out of excuses. That is terrifying the shit out of me. Now what?